Red. Scarlet Red.
Like the colour of their blood.
A horror, lies in Flanders Fields,
between the rows of us.
We ask not for mercy,
just to remember what befell,
and through the sea of ruby red,
a story we must tell.
We are a mark,
a reminder,
a memory,
telling tales of courage
and men who paid their debt.
And beneath the days of golden rays,
we vow: “lest we forget.”
Full Circle
There’s an ache in my chest,
familiar,
yet different to the last time
the pull of a goodbye
that may not be the last,
but mirrors that
of a 180 on tarmac,
though more hopeful
at least, I hope it is.
Every now and then
things come full circle
where endings and beginnings
intertwine
connected
indistinguishable.
Writing Challenge: Forbidding the letter “A”
I love writing challenges. They’re a great way to stimulate your imagination, practice your skills, and encourage creative thinking. For me, I find them especially useful if I hit writer’s block, as although they impose restrictions in one aspect, I can write freely in others–and usually what I end up producing is something unexpected, but often useful.
Recently, I challenged one of my best friends, Isaac, to write a short story without using the letter “A”, and wanting to exercise my own writing muscles, I decided that it was only fair that I, too, take on the challenge. Here are a few things I learnt:
- We use more words containing the letter “A” than we realise. I would estimate that 90% of our daily language consists of sentences with words including this letter–from conjunctions and nouns, to verbs and adjectives. And trying not to use any words with this letter is a complete and utter mission. Forbidden words include: ‘a’, ‘an’, ‘am’, ‘as’, ‘at’, ‘are’, ‘was’, ‘also’, ‘can’, ‘what’, ‘had’, ‘have’, ‘said’, ‘any’, ‘say’, ‘that’, ‘than’, ‘all’, ‘again’, ‘back’, ‘because’, ‘about’, ‘make’, ‘take’, ‘way’, ‘want’, and ‘after’.
- Trying to construct a complete, concise sentence without using the letter ‘A” is hard. There are so many things that you want to say, that you want to say in a specific way, but you just can’t.
- You have to be clever. So, I can’t use ‘I have’, but I can use ‘I’ve’. I can’t use ‘and’ but I can end sentences and begin new ones. I can’t use ‘a’ but I can use ‘the’. You have to be extremely selective with the words you use and how you use them.
Here is what I managed to come up with:
The lights in the house flickered one by one,
the silence creeping in through every sliver.
Somewhere beyond the river, the trees,
owls cooed, wolves howled,
wind whistled in the breeze.
The boy knelt, keeled over, wheezing,
the glistening pools of liquid ice, quickly freezing
below his feet.
The chill enveloped him, like piercing knives deep into his spine,
the whine, the whine of piercing cries, echoing.
‘I come in kindness,’ the voice whispered.
‘Lies,’ the boy replied. ‘You do not seek good.’
The boy hiccoughed, sobbing into his shirt,
sodden with dirt.
‘My mother is gone. My sister too. You took them from me.’
‘They left willingly.’
‘More lies,’ the boy replied. ‘You took them in the night. Destroyed their minds. Twisting, turning their thoughts into fictions where they felt they could not go on. You left me on my own.’
‘Their choice.’
‘More lies. You do not know freedom. You simply collect souls until your collection is complete.’
‘My boy… it is not my choice. I follow orders. My list of souls… it differs every week. Some slither into the ether, where I struggle to find them. Others seek me out like I seek them.’
‘But…’
‘Hush, boy. Do not worry. It is not your soul I’ve come to collect.’
‘If not me… then who?’
The voice did not reply. The owls cooed; the wind whistled; the wolves howled. Silence surrounded the boy once more. From the house, the lights flickered out of control–more quickly with every second ticking by, before stopping swiftly.
Then, he felt it deep within his bones: the blood-curdling cry… the sound of the voice collecting his next victim.
What do you think?
In my opinion, it’s not bad. It’s not great, but considering the multitude of words I couldn’t use, I’m quite happy with it! I may have to have another go at some point in the future, perhaps writing something a bit more upbeat because this took an awfully dark tone which was unexpected… but then, I guess that’s the beauty of these challenges because you never know what kinds of things you’re going to end up creating!
Why don’t you have a go at this challenge and see what you can come up with? (And if you do, please tag me in your posts, because I’d love to see them!)
NCIS: Tony and Ziva: Action-packed, Romantic and Charmingly Persuasive.
So, it’s officially been over a week since NCIS: Tony and Ziva premiered, and truth be told, I’m still processing. I’ve had every single episode on repeat multiple times since 4th September, so much so that I have almost every single scene fully etched into my brain. I’ve watched all four episodes at least six or seven times already because I just can’t get enough – give me a few weeks or so and I’ll very likely be able to recite them all from memory.
As a long time Tiva fan, I had high hopes for this show, as I am sure most of us did, and it’s safe to say that it has already surpassed every expectation. It is far more than I could have ever wanted and wished for, and there are still six episodes to go. Four episodes in and this show is knocking my socks off in ways I couldn’t have imagined. There’s plenty of romance, epic action sequences – car chases, fights and even self-driving killer automobiles (no, I’m not kidding!), and the humour is absolutely spot-on with some of the best one-liners I have ever heard in a show. With quotes like “Does a babushka wear a headscarf?” and “We have friends and family at this wedding. They’re pathetic and fragile,” I have lost count of how many times I’ve cackled out loud, and I find myself grinning ear-to-ear with every episode.
Before the show premiered, I was unsure as to what to expect going into it. With Tony and Ziva being transported into an entirely new setting, it was easy to worry that the chemistry and magic that made them so brilliant on the mothership wouldn’t be the same. But there’s no reason to fear. Their chemistry is undeniable and better in a million and one ways. Everything that made them exciting to watch on the mothership is ever present and in full force, and their spark is sizzling hotter than ever.
I absolutely adore the fact that this show has broken the classic NCIS formula of episodic procedural, and instead allows for a deeper exploration into the relationship between these two characters; something which fans were pleading to have for decades. The flashbacks execute the ‘filling in the gaps’ perfectly – allowing us to see their life as a couple after Ziva reunites with Tony and Tali in Paris, and they slowly reveal what happened with their relationship (and the reason why it broke down), until we find them where they are today: on the run.
You’re probably asking: well, just how different is it to the mothership? The answer: very. The ghastly tangerine walls of the Navy Yard squad room have been replaced with the most beautiful European backdrops, which only serve to enhance the beautiful storytelling and exceptional writing. It’s true, the show is more romantic spy thriller than crime drama, but it is in the best of ways. There is something in this show for absolutely everyone, whether you’re a long time fan or a newcomer being introduced to these characters for the very first time (and if you are brand new, don’t worry – there’s an incredible montage at the beginning of episode 1 to bring you up to speed with the intricate history of these characters.)
If you’re a lifelong ‘Tiva’ lover as they are so eloquently named and the original show stopped feeling like your NCIS after they left (as I read in one review), then this show is without a doubt, 100% for you. Tony and Ziva are still Tony and Ziva, but are supported by a wonderful ensemble of new characters that are so easy to fall in love with. It’s action-packed, romantic and charmingly persuasive, and it truly feels like they’ve captured lightning in a bottle.
[I’ll also be breaking down every individual episode with my thoughts – as when I my brain starts functioning again!]
Where Have I Been? (Again)
If you read my post in March about where I’ve been, you’ll know that I vowed that this year I was going to post here regularly… and well, I don’t need to tell you that I failed miserably!
Actually, failed probably not the right word, as I truly believe that if you’re trying then you’re never failing. If you’re trying, you’re learning. If you’re trying, you’re growing. And growing is never failing.
But sometimes life just gets on top of us. Life gets busy and other things take over and we just don’t have the time or the capacity to post as much as we want. And other times, we lack creativity. I know that the latter has been a problem for me in recent months. I’m innately a creative person, but when things start taking their toll, or I lose grip of my work/life balance, I find that my creativity is stifled.
Sure, I could probably come on here and write about anything. But I don’t want to post something just for the sake of it. If I’m posting something here, I want it to be meaningful, insightful, or useful in some way. I want it to be personal and have thought behind it.
And what could be more personal to me than NCIS: Tony and Ziva premiering next week?! (Next week! Where did that time go?!)
Thus, I am reviving this blog as I’m truly hoping to do a review/breakdown of each episode and talk about my favourite moments. Whether or not that will actually happen, I don’t know, because it’s very possible that this show will melt my brain in the best way. This is literally a dream come true for the teenage fangirl inside me – for the sixteen year old who spent hours crying over the episode Past, Present, and Future because she was losing the one ship she adored most in the world.
So, whether you’re just browsing, or you’re here to keep up with my Tiva posts and anything else I might have to share – welcome… again.
Summer Blooms!
Learning
I am learning,
slowly
to be okay with the things
that I am not okay with,
loose endings
broken friendships
with no reparation in sight.
I am learning to let go
and not hold on so tight,
to let memories be
instead of thinking of them
tainted.
What’s done is done.
What’s past is past.
There is no use in looking back
for it will do nothing to help you move on,
when yesterday us gone.
The only direction is forward.
Perspective is all we gain from hindsight,
watching the road in the rearview mirror,
seeing how far we’ve come
and of how things might
look different
be different
if we had made different choices
and taken different roads,
said ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’,
and ‘yes’ instead of no,
knowing when to keeps our mouths
closed.
Loose lips sink ships
and I have sunk a few,
accidentally with excitement
and wanting people to talk to.
I did not think of the consequences,
and was blind to the unforseen circumstances,
until the rose-coloured glasses
shattered upon my eyes,
and I saw things for how they are,
not how I wished them to be.
I am learning
to be okay with refusal of apologies,
for my actions
though I have tried to apologise
but perhaps I am already
the villain in some people’s eyes,
more than I realise.
I am learning to be kay
with the silence.
Silence is serenity,
sometimes necessary,
and often tells you everything you need to know.
Perhaps the things that bother me now
will not matter in a year, or so
and they will be just memories of their own.
I am learning every day,
how to be better and kinder,
to know what not to say
and to say to whom,
to sit with these feelings that feel overwhelming
and feel them,
in the hope that someday soon
they will shrink and dissolve
and disappear into the ether.
Who am I to know?
I am learning
that things change
and so do people,
and sometimes the greatest thing you can do for people
is change yourself
when you have become someone that is not authentic
and you are not the person you know you are,
when you hate the human being you’ve become.
I am learning that learning is constant
a constant, ongoing, evolutionary process.
To learn is to progress.
Mistakes are a part of learning too,
and to learn from them and start anew
is to bloom,
from bud to flower,
phoenix from the ashes,
all over again.
Untitled: 4
I am old enough to have known better,
so why didn’t I?
Am I too trusting?
Am I just naive?
Am I an idiot?
Am I all three?
Sometimes it feels like it,
at least,
recently.
Long Roads
The road is long
and sometimes
hard to follow
and disappears among the fog
or lost beneath a blanket of snow.
The winding bends
and dead ends
seem unnecessary
and pointless
and more hassle than the journey is worth.
But every turn
leads to the straight and narrow,
the wisps of fog clear,
and sunbeams melt the snow,
leaving behind
a brighter and clearer tomorrow.
The Devil (Drives A Red Corvette)
I should have listened when they said,
“he will only get in your head,
and make you think that you’re the problem,
while he takes another girl to bed”
but I just wanted to believe,
all the things he said to me.
He doesn’t talk much,
though his talk is sweet.
No,
it’s not sadness –
just regret
from ignoring all the flags,
though they were waving in the wind,
bright and burning red.
I look back
at my naivety,
feeling stupid for letting him in,
but they say the devil drives a hard bargain.
How were I to know
it came in the shape
of a red corvette?
We are the stars
Trust in the power of the universe,
for we are all made of the cosmos.
We are made of matter.
Though we feel inextricably small
in the scale of things,
we matter.
Wildfire
Dangerous
deadly
hazardous to the environment
a simple carless spark, spreading
a perfect solitary paradise
engulfed in flames
thick clouds of charcoal smoke against the azure sky
as it burns for days, weeks, months on end
merely a shadow of what it was
of everything it used to be
blackened
broken
barren
burned beyond recognition
the debris of ash and dust
a mark of devastation
destoryed by wildfire,
lost forever.
Eclipse
Two halves
dark and light
finally equal
for the first time.
Bloom Again
It is never too late
to start over,
for even the most dehydrated flowers
bloom again in spring.
Do Not Tell Me
Do not tell me how to be a woman
to stop biting my lip because it turns you on
to stop playing with my hair
because it’s one of the things you like
to stop being articulate
because you find intelligent women sexy
or to stop wearing my favourite dress
because it reveals my legs
just enough to keep you interested.
Do not tell me how to think
how to act
how to dress
or what to do
while you have a faithful girlfriend
waiting for you
at home.
Do not tell me how to be,
just because you never really got over me.
Abyss
You’re surrounded
covered by darkness
like a blanket
but it is not warm
or comforting.
It is cold,
like shards of rice ripping through your skin
deeper and deeper into your soul
drawing you in
until the light fades
and is replaced
with the nothingness,
the abyss.
Untitled: 3
I saw you drive by my house this morning
and I felt that familiar feeling
that knot in my stomach
that elevated heartbeat
that I used to get
when I knew you were coming to see me.
I think about you all the time,
in the most uninteresting moments,
because my mind wanders and I wonder
are you thinking of me too?
Do you tell stories about me
of the things we used to do together?
No, of course not…
but, do you?
I thought about dialling your number
but I decided against it.
Sometimes, the past is meant to be left behind.
Untitled: 2
He was lightning
and she was the thing
he was about to strike
leaving irreversible damage
on her body forever.
Keyboard Warrior
You hide behind
a computer screen
because it’s easier to be mean
when you cannot look your victim in the eye
when you cannot see
the damage you are causing
to their body
to their mind
and you don’t even think twice.
You type and type and type and type
out of jealousy or strife
your fingertips slamming every key
like a perfectly
rehearsed performance
because it’s not just one
or two shows you have played
the whole world is your stage
but you are
a disgrace to your name
or hang your head in shame
as you exclaim
that the battle has barely begun
but you do not care
about the already irreversible damage
your words have done.
I’ll Meet You In Paris
I’ll meet you in Paris
behind the Eiffel Tower,
I’ll meet you in Paris, my love,
at the midnight hour.
Let word not spread from your lips
let your eyes not tell a story.
Just meet me in Paris, my love.
I’ll meet you in Paris, dear
somewhere between the crisp white sheets,
I’ll meet you in Paris, my love,
upon those cobbled, lamp-lit streets.
We’ll dance among the moonshine
and take polaroids of love,
and kiss amongst a thousand stars,
until the sun comes up.
I’ll meet you in Paris, my dear,
just say you’ll meet me too,
for Paris is our sacred place,
where I fell in love with you.
Inspired by “In Paris With You” by James Fenton.
Free Spirit
She was the kind of friend
that would have you
dancing on tables
and taking shots of Tequila
at 3am
reminding you how it feels
to be a free spirit again.
Enchanted
I am enchanted by his magic smile
that turned me weak at the knees
his slicked back hair
and his gravelly morning voice
and the way he walked
with his hands
in the front pockets of his jeans.
I am enchanted by his corny jokes
and his childish banter,
his love of black and white movies,
and his captivating charm
that reminded me of James Dean.
I am enchanted by the look in his eyes
every time he looks at me
and the way my name
rolls off his tongue.
In a world of unfaithful, adulterous men,
he is
a gentleman.
Halls
These halls have changed so much
since I have been away,
that I barely recognise the place.
It doesn’t feel the same.
These walls do not understand me
in the same way,
they do not understand
who I am
or where I have been
or share the memories
that we built in them.
The tiles on the floors
do not remember my footsteps,
and these are not the same corridors
that I have walked a thousand times.
They do not remember the way I would laugh
with my friends
over an inside joke
or the hard work I put in,
or the the small moments in between
that I worry I have forgotten.
They do not remember the times I cried,
or the stories that have been told
behind a beaten old locker
before it was time to go home.
They do not remember the kisses and breakups
the making up
between friends
the queues in silence before exams
or two not quite lovers holding hands.
There used to be a photo of me
upon the wall,
but now there is a blank space
no memory of me at all.
Everything has been replaced
with new people and new things
and I find myself there,
staring.
I thought that it would feel
like returning to sacred ground
overwhelmed with emotion
the band playing out
like the end of a movie,
reminiscing.
But it doesn’t.
I am a stranger
that these halls let in.
And it will never be the same again.
Poison Apple
He is sweet
like American Pie
drawing you in
with the promise
of being everything you’ve ever wanted
the man of your dreams
saying he will give you
everything you need
and love you like you’re his only Queen.
But make no mistake,
he is not a knight in shining armour
and he does not ride around on a white horse.
He will not come and save you.
He breaks his promises
and he’s good at his disguise,
because behind his charming smile
and innocent eyes
are perfectly rehearsed lies.
So don’t believe everything he tells you,
for he is his father’s son,
and after all, as you may know
even the sweetest apple
can be laced with poison.
Sunshine and Gunpowder
Her.
Her perfect smile.
Her laugh.
Her everything.
Wonder woman encased in a fragile shell
that has seen hell
and more tragedy than a soul should ever bear.
She is beautifully broken
but not broken at all,
a masterpiece of the best and worst
that life has thrown at her,
a diamond in diguise.
She has walked through fire and she knows it burns.
She is courageous.
She is fierce.
She is brave.
She is the light in the dark,
the place in my head that numbs the pain,
the only thing that gets me through,
the person on this planet
whom I care most about.
She is my frozen lake.
My tonight.
My tomorrow.
My everything.
She is sunshine and gunpowder.
Two of my favourite things.
Past, Present, Future
3 months.
You disappeared
without warning,
no note,
no explanation.
But I found you
in the middle of the Middle East
in the house where you were born,
rediscovering your roots?
“Something like that,” you tell me.
Then I realised,
you were not looking ahead,
you were looking back.
You tell me that things would have been different
if you had just walked away from your father’s world.
“This is what I made of myself!”
But it is not who you wanted to be,
a ballerina was your childhood dream,
written on a list buried deep in an orchard.
“This little girl was strong,”
yet so is the woman standing before me,
having witnessed more things than a soul should ever see.
You thought going back to your roots
would assuage your guilt
of all the things you have done,
but the universe was begging you
to wipe the slate clean,
begin again.
You tell me I should not have come,
but I tell you that you are not alone,
the only way I know how.
“I just want you to come home with me.”
I know it’s hard
and I know you want to change,
but I can change with you,
and as I place a kiss upon your fingertips
I wonder
is there anything more I can do to stop you
from wanting to stay?
Is there anything more I can say?
No,
of course not.
Your mind is made up.
Something which
is difficult to change.
My heart is aching
because I want you with me
need you with me,
as you have been for the last eight years,
as I become the person I want to be.
My whole world revolves around you.
I don’t know how it works any other way.
I sit on the plane and journey home,
alone
wondering if I’ve made a mistake.
It is then I find your necklace
buried deep in my pocket,
it is not a heart-shaped locket
but it might as well have been,
because I know what this means.
We did not say those three famous words,
though we felt them with our souls:
“I’m fighting for you.”
“I know.”
Overgrown
She cared for him
like a precious garden
with flowers bursting from the ground
a majestic masterpiece of exotic colour,
lavender, bluebells, marigolds, roses,
poppies, daisies, sunflowers, and petunias
carefully planted and pruned
the kind of garden that wins a prize
but then he broke her heart, and now
the garden is so overgrown
with weeds and insects
running wild
trying to break free.
Untitled: 1
She was unpredictable
like a thunderstorm
cutting through
a clear summer’s day.
16 Unrequited
I looked at him,
the first boy who ever loved me,
the first boy I never loved back,
and realised that not loving him
was the wisest decision I ever made,
as he could never be everything I need
for I am a grown woman
yet he is a grown man,
stuck at sixteen.
Dragons
She didn’t need a white knight
to save her.
She was a warrior
and ready to fight the dragons
as an army of strong and able women
stood behind her
vowing to fight them too.
Dental Anxiety
I have the dentist today and the truth is, I hate it. I hate everything about going. Don’t get me wrong, my dentist is lovely and couldn’t be nicer… but the actual act of sitting in the chair and letting them poke around in my mouth is such a vulnerable and uncomfortable feeling for me.
I am filled with so much anxiety during the days beforehand that I barely eat, and I’ll be lucky if I get a couple of hours sleep. Usually, there’s nothing wrong. The check-up goes swimmingly, and I don’t have to see them again for six months. He tells me to lay off the sweets (oops – I do have a sweet tooth) and be mindful of how many fizzy drinks I consume (also a downfall – I love Pepsi Max) and to be sure that I’m brushing twice a day (I’ve only missed it once when I was utterly exhausted and fell asleep on the sofa thirty minutes after getting home, when I didn’t resurface until nine hours later.)
And yet, despite having had actual dental work done before – i.e a filling, which in hindsight wasn’t nearly as bad as I had been imagining it for my entire life… my fists still clench and my toes still curl for the entire five minutes I’m sat in the chair when he tells me that my mouth looks fine.
But, I know that I am not alone. Over 53% of Brits have some level of fear and anxiety about the dentist. There are millions of people out there who feel exactly the same way I do – perhaps because they’ve had a bad experience that essentially traumatised them for life (I did), or maybe because they’re ashamed of what their mouths/teeth look like as they haven’t taken proper care of them, and they’re worried about the dentist judging them (they should never judge – they’re there because they want to help you!) Either way, this feeling isn’t rare. It’s entirely more common than any of us think.
As I sit here and try and work, I can feel the anxiety severely setting in, and I’m a bundle of nerves. I know that in reality, it’s not going to be nearly as bad as I am imagining. I know that things are probably going to be fine – and even if they’re not, I have made it through a filling before. I know that I am capable of sitting there for however long it takes, listening to music while they drill and fill. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I know it’s nothing I cannot handle.
So, if you’re reading this and you too are suffering from dental anxiety, please know that you are most definitely not alone. I see you. I feel it too. We are in this together.
Update: as predicted, everything was fine and I don’t need to go back for six months!
All In
We’re scared,
terrified,
terrified that this may not work,
terrified that it’s the biggest mistake of our lives
that this will end in heartbreak
leaving us a lost cause
and broken beyond repair.
We have never had anything like this.
From the moment I met you,
I knew you were the one,
between flirtatious banter
and stolen glances
my heart fell in love with yours.
It might be wrong,
and dangerous,
like comets colliding
but I want to be bold.
I want to be bold with you.
No more cat and mouse games.
No more pining away.
I want to go all in.
Tonight.
Tomorrow.
Forever.
Carousel
There’s a carousel,
like the ones you see at a fairground,
in vibrant red and vibrant yellow,
with intricate designs carved into every curve,
with bright lights constantly beaming,
where the horses jump from floor to ceiling,
bound by the metal ropes,
that hold them to the floor.
They can only go so far.
You ride the carousel,
spinning faster and faster and faster and faster,
your knuckles white as you hold on desperately,
gripping for dear life,
but you never slow down.
You never stop.
Because the carousel never stops turning.
The Trouble With Love
The trouble with love is
we give it away too freely,
to people who do not deserve it
because there is an expectation
for us to love the ones we came from,
even though they have done us wrong
in more ways than one.
We give it to hearts where it is unrequited,
who do not treat it like the gift that it is,
for to love someone completely
is to give all of yourself to them
your light and darkness
with an understanding that it is delicate,
like the petal of a freshly bloomed flower.
The trouble with love is that it is not rational –
we fall into it too deeply
and fall out of it too quickly
or sometimes never fall into it at all,
merely teetering on the edge of ‘like’
for adoration does not come easily to us.
It crushes and destroys the essence of our being
as we crumple beneath its weight
until we slowly regain our strength
with lessons learned
and hard hearts earned.
We worry that we do it wrong,
for what is love to us
may not be love to someone else
our forever after all,
our in sickness and in health,
is not a tether shared
nor is a heart spared
the pain of this realisation.
The trouble with love
is the pressure
society puts on us to find it
romantically
as if we as human beings are not complete
without another soul
to accompany us on this journey.
We buy into this pressure
entering into relationships
situationships
cohabitation
with people who are not meant for us
at times when we are not ready
as a way to be ready
to answer all of the questions they will ask
about our futures
of rocks on our fingers
and the cries of an infant
as if both of these will give us purpose,
meaning.
We know they don’t meant it
at least,
not in a way that offends us.
They are simply a product of their generation
where gender roles were at the forefront of a partnership
and though most are open minded
to the way that things have changed
there is still a sense of
them being stuck with the same
ideas and ideals
that they always have been.
Love has progressed. To love is progress.
And yet we cling to the idea that we are failing,
sinking,
if we have not found the one person
whom we call the love of our life,
our everything.
We are conditioned to believe that this is the love that matters
when all that really matters
is that we are loved
by the people who have raised us
nurtured us,
empowered us,
held us while we have cried
witnessed our becoming
and our unbecoming,
those who have been there by our side
for our entire lives
whose love does not come with conditions
and we do not have to prove ourselves
or be anything we’re not,
because it is not judgmental
and cannot be forgotten.
Can it?
We become so focused on finding love
that sometimes we forget
love has already found us
in more ways than one,
and though it cannot kiss us passionately
or propose marriage
perhaps it is the only love we can truly depend on,
the kind of love that
no matter how much we take it for granted
will never leave.
But still, the problem with love is that we are too blind to see,
that sometimes the love we have with us already
is all the love we might ever need.
Ten Years of Grief (The Price We Pay)
Nobody tells you what grief is like ten years later,
how it feels so far away, and almost like it was yesterday.
It is true what they say, that time is a healer, but do you ever really deal with grief?
Do you ever really heal?
Is there such a thing
when the part of you that made you whole,
is now missing?
Grief is not tangible, and yet it never disappears.
It is learning to live with absence and the loss
year after year
in the hope that it won’t feel as raw
as it did when it was birthed.
Ten years of grief does not look the same
for it is in its nature
to change
with the seasons, and with you as a human being
but the only thing it cannot change
is its reason.
Ten years later and it hurts less
more a dull ache than a piercing pain
that you feel deep in your bones and your soul.
But it still lives somewhere inside you,
when you see a photograph or hear a song,
the kind that makes you pull over because the tears are strong
and though you haven’t cried over it in a long, long time
it cuts you deep just like it did the first.
Ten years of grief and you barely notice it these days,
you forget it’s there until birthdays and holidays,
when the absence is clear.
Ten years of grief and it’s hard to believe,
that you have been living with it for a decade;
that somehow you made it through
when you were convinced,
that it would be the death of you, too.
Wise words once said:
‘grief is the price we pay for love’
that it is the consequence we put upon ourselves,
for opening our hearts up.
If that’s true
what a beautiful thing,
grief is.
Where Have I Been?
Hello. It’s been a while.
You’re probably wondering where I’ve been? The truth is – nowhere (and everywhere!)
Back in August 2023, I enrolled as an apprentice on the Level 3 Content Creator course – something which excited me greatly. If you know me, you’ll know that I love learning new things and I’m an immensely creative individual, and so the course sounded like the perfect development tool for myself – and it was! I learned so much about creative process such as editing, videography, how to create content for social media, how to optimise blog posts, and more. But, even though it is a course that I completed alongside my full time job (i.e within work hours), I found that doing both was utterly exhausting, which meant that I didn’t have the motivation for much else after I finished work, despite trying very hard. I mean, I only read five books last year – a whopping 45 less than the year before, and 95 less than the year before that!
That being said, I did try to keep up with posting on here and on Instagram as best as I could, but with very little happening in the way of reading, I haven’t had much to post over there… and trying to find the time to finish the 68 blog posts that I have in my drafts has been challenging. Even more so, when I haven’t had the inspiration to write. And when it comes to creativity, inspiration is everything.
But, I really love this blog. It is a place where I can be authentically myself, and share things that I enjoy, that inspire me, that I want to recommend to other people, and dive into my innermost thoughts, or ponder about the world. I have so many things to share and say, even if I haven’t posted them yet, and I really want to make a commitment to not let this blog slip through the cracks again, because I think it could really be something special if given the chance.
Which is why I am going to make a vow: that I will post something every fortnight. It doesn’t matter what it is, so as long as I am posting regularly. Perhaps it will be as simple as a thought that has been on my mind, or a piece of advice I want to share with people. Or maybe it will be an in-depth review of a product I’ve tried, a film I’ve watched, or a television series I’ve been binging. Maybe I’ll share some of my long lost writing that has been tucked away in my google documents for years. I don’t know what I’ll share – but that means we all get to be surprised!
What I do know is that at the top of the list of things I’ll be sharing soon will be: an updated review on Daisy Jones and the Six (the series), which I finally completed; some travel writing of my trips to Spain and Morocco – such as recalling my experience having my very first Hamam massage; several book reviews of things I’ve actually read recently; and more.
So, whether you’re a long time reader of my blog and have been here since the beginning, or you’re just tuning in for the first time – welcome. I hope we have some fun here together. :)
Fanfiction: The Revolutionary Writing Tool for Aspiring Authors
In recent years, fanfiction has taken the world by storm, transforming passionate fans into budding authors and providing a unique platform for creative expression, and it’s only growing in popularity. This unexpected yet powerful tool is helping countless writers hone their craft, build a loyal readership, and even transition into professional writing careers. But, it also allows published writers a creative outlet to anonymously work on their craft and get feedback, before constructing their ideas into a fully blown novel. They can explore different genres or experiment with their writing styles, all while gaining real and honest constructive criticism from their target audience.
It can be easy to consider fanfiction as “cheating” when it comes to writing, as you’re using characters that are not your own. But actually, it’s a remarkable way of developing a skill and talent in which you’re constantly learning, and should be considered the ultimate writing tool.
Understanding Fanfiction
Fanfiction, often abbreviated as “fanfic” is a genre of writing where fans create stories based on existing works, such as books, movies, television shows, or evel real-life celebrities (though I find this last one a tad weird sometimes.) It is a practice that stretches back decades, and was initially shared through printed zines among small fan communities. However, with the invention of the internet, fanfiction exploded in popularity, finding homes on platforms like Wattpad, Fanfiction.net and Archive of Our Own (AO3) – the latter of which has become the most favourable among readers and writers alike.
The History of Fanfiction
While fanfiction as we know it today is relatively new, the actual practice of it dates back centuries, with some of its early roots spanning back to Classical and Medieval times.
In ancient cultures, stories were often passed down orally, with each storyteller adding their own twists and details. For example, the Epic of Gilgamesh – one of the oldest known literary works in existence – likely evolved through such retellings and dramatizations. Works like Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey were constantly reinterpreted by different authors. Similarly, the Arthurian legends were expanded upon by writers like Chretien de Troyes and Sir Thomas Malory, each adding new characters and edventures to the existing mythos. Throughout the Renaissance, William Shakespeare’s plays inspired numerous adaptations, such as Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead which is a reimagining of Hamlet from the perspective of the two minor characters. And other works like John Milton’s Paradise Lost reinterprets the story of Genesis from the Bible, adding depth to characters like Satan and exploring themes of free will and redemption.
During the 19th and early 20th centuries, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories spurred early fanfictions. After Conan Doyle attempted to kill of Holmes in The Final Problem, readers were so outraged that they wrote their own continuations and persuaded him to resurrect the character in The Adventure of the Empty House. Also during this time, penny dreadfuls and pulp magazines gained traction. These cheap, serialized publications often featured stories that borrowed heavily from existing works with characters like Zorro and The Shadow emerging from this tradition, blending elements of popular literature and creating new narratives that captivated readers.
Into the mid-twentieth century, fan communities around genres like science fiction and fantasy began to flourish, especially through fanzines (a non-official publication produced by fans of a particular cultural phenomenon). One notable example is the Star Trek fanzine Spockanalia, which published fan-written stories, poems, and essays starting in 1967. Additionally, the growth of fan conventions provided a space for fans to share their works with others, such as the first official Star Trek convention in 1972 which saw fans exchanging stories and building a sense of community.
Of course, the internet revolutionized fanfiction. Early online platforms like Usenet groups and mailing lists allowed fans to share their stories more widely. For example, the alt.startrek.creative newsgroup became a hub for Star Trek fanfiction back in the early 1990s. But, it really saw substantial growth in 1998, when Fanfiction.net became one of the first major websites dedicated to hosting fanfiction across a wide range of fandoms, from Harry Potter to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Today, fanfiction is perhaps the most popular it has ever been, especially with diverse platforms and communities whereby writers can share their work with readers. Sites like Wattpad have become popular for younger audiences, as it allows authors to share both fanfiction along with their own original works, and in some cases can lead to publishing deals (like Anna Todd’s After series, which began as One Direction fanfiction).
But perhaps the most popular and familiar site with readers is that of Archive of Our Own (AO3). Launched in 2008, AO3 is a nonprofit open source repsoity for fanfiction and fanworks contributed by users. Co-founded by author Naomi Novik (Uprooted, Spinning Silver), it has become one of the largest and most respected sites. It emphasises the legitimacy and creative values of fan-based works, hosting millions of stories across countless fandoms – from well known series such as Harry Potter, Supernatural, NCIS, and Criminal Minds, to small independent series and series in other languages, theatre shows, video games, and more.
Genres and Styles
Fanfiction is incredibly diverse, encompassing a multitude of genres from drabbles (works at exactly 100 words), one-shots (short standalone stories), to multi-chapter sagas, Alternate Universe (AU) adventures, to crossovers that blend multiple fandoms (such as Harry Potter/Hunger Games), and slash fiction focusing on romantic pairings. The freedom fanfiction provides allows writers to explore endless creative possibilities and experiment with new and unusual perspectives.
For example, in the AU genre you may find stories where Harry Potter attends a regular school instead of Hogwarts, navigating his teenage life with his magical abilities hidden. Crossovers can be as inventive as blending the worlds of Sherlock and Doctor Who, allowing fans to see their favourite characters interact in news ways, such as Sherlock and Watson solving mysteries alongside the Doctor. Slash fiction allows authors to explore romantic relationships that may not be present in the original works, such as Draco/Hermione from Harry Potter, Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau from Criminal Minds, or Buck/Eddie from 911. (Slash fiction also include ‘ships’ that are present in the original works too. It is simply exploring the relationships between two characters by means of offering deeper character exploration and emotional narratives.)
Skill Development
Writing fanfiction is an excellent way to develop essential writing skills. Crafting stories helps improve grammar, structure, and pacing, all of which are crucial components of effective storytelling. For instance, writing a multi-chapter fanfiction set in the Criminal Minds universe requires meticulous plotting when it comes to the murder aspect and character development to maintain reader interest. Writing a story set in the Game of Thrones universe would also require the same level of planning but for the fantasy aspects of the narrative.
Fanfiction offers a safe space for writers to experiment with different styles and techniques and allowing them to find and refine their unique voice. It also provides a chance for writers to spot-focus on areas of their craft that they wish to develop, such as dialogue or setting without the added complication of having to craft intricate backstories of each character or worrying about world-building, as those things already exist within the original works. A writer may choose to practice their descriptive writing by detailing the intricate settings of Middle-Earth in a Lord of the Rings fanfiction, or perhaps attempting to develop their humour by writing a story centered around a sitcom.
Furthermore, it encourages creative thinking by allowing writers to reimagine established worlds and characters. This freedom fosters innovation, as writers can explore scenarios and plotlines without the constraints often found in commercial publishing. They can do almost anything, in any way, and explore the effect of these choices on the narrative, without fully committing to writing full-length novels (though there are some fanfictions out there over 100,000+ words.) A fanfiction may explore a “what if” scenario where Anakin Skywalker never turns to the the dark side in Star Wars, leading to an entirely new narrative where he raises his children within the Jedi Order. Or perhaps an NCIS fanfiction where Gibbs’ family is still alive; a Harry Potter saga where Harry dies at the end of the Battle of Hogwarts; or a Grey’s Anatomy story where Dr. Webber retires in season 1 like he always said he was going to.
It’s a playground for creativity, where the only limit is the writer’s imagination. Authors can experiment with genre-blending, such as writing a horror-themed version of The Hunger Games, where the tributes face supernatural threats; a romantic comedy set in the dystopian world of Divergent; or even a science fiction version of Top Gun where pilots are up against spaceships instead of planes.
Building a Community and Audience
One of the most significant advantages however of writing fanfiction is the immediate feedback that authors can receive from their readers and fellow writers. Fanfiction communities are known for their (usually) supportive and engaged members, who provide constructive criticism and encouragement, by means the hosting platforms allowing for comments on individual chapters of a story and likes/kudos on entire works. An author may receive comments about their plot placing and characters development, with readers mentioning things that feel OOC (out of character) and helping them to refine their story as they go, or they may bring attention to inconsistencies within the story that the writer has overlooked, and offer suggestions for enhancing tension and suspense.
These communities are also a fertile ground for networking. Writers can connect with others who share similiar interests, leading to collaborations and long-lasting friendships. These connections can be invaluable for personal growth and professional development, providing a network of support and resources. For example, fanfiction conventions and online forums allow authors to meet like-minded individuals, share tips, and even collaborate on joint projects such as a crossover fic between Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Twilight. These joint ventures can lead to new creative opportunities and enhance the skills of all involved, as writers learn from each other’s strengths and perspectives.
For me, one of the most exciting parts about publishing any work of fanfiction is the feedback from readers – to see how a work has been received. I adore the comments from readers where they inform me of how something made them feel – that a particular line made them cry, or the overall work made their heart burst with love and excitement. Alternatively, I am thankful for those constructive comments that highlight errors and flaws in the narrative, as the only way to be able to know if something doesn’t work, is by someone telling you. (However, I draw the line at people completely attacking someone’s work and pulling it to pieces – like the 28 paragraph comment I recently received on a work of mine that had nothing positive to say, and instead decided to aggressively insult my writing. But that’s for another post!)
Pathway to Professional Writing
Many successful authors began their careers by writing fanfiction. It serves as a crucial stepping stone to original storytelling, helping writers develop the skills and confidence they need to create their own worlds and characters. For example, E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey famously began as Twilight fanfiction, while Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments series evolved from her Harry Potter fics.
The popularity of fanfiction can also lead to publishing deals. Some writers leverage their fanfiction success to attract the attention of literary agents and publishers. Tips for making this transition including polishing original stories, building a strong online presence, and being persistent in seeking publishing opportunities. For instance, Anna Todd’s After series began on Wattpad as fanfiction about the band One Direction, and eventually secured a major publishing deal and a movie adaptation. Todd’s story underscores the potential for fanfiction writers to achieve mainstream success by building on the support and enthusiasm of their fanbase.
Overcoming Stigmas
Fanfiction often faces misconceptions about its legitimacy as literature, as some regard it as “cheating,” due to the fact that authors are writing with background stories and characters that have already been substantially developed for them. Critics may dismiss it as being derivative and inferior, but they fail to draw attention to the creativity and skill involved in writing compelling stories. It’s true that anyone can write fanfiction. But not everyone can write good fanfiction. I have read my fair share of stories that skimp on setting and are mostly dialogue-based, with no thought for the characters or the plot. They are simply just scenes thrown onto a page without any regard for immersing readers into the narrative. But, there are many fanfictions out there that demonstrate high literary quality, complex plotting, and deep character development, that have taken as much thought and planning as that of original works.
One of the biggest examples of this is Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, a fanfic lauded for its intricate plot and deep philosophical questions, rivaling the original series in depth and engagement. Published between 2010 and 2015, the work consists of 661,619 words and 122 chapters, with 37,251 reviews. Another extremely popular story is Manacled by Senlinya on A03, which explores a world in the aftermath of the war where Harry potter is dead, and Voldemort enacts a repopulation effort. Published on the site in 2018, consists of 370,515 words with 77 chapters, 94,392 likes, and over 8.6 million hits. Such stories showcase the potential of fanfiction to offer sophisticated, thought-provoking narratives that stand on their own merits, and which are crafted with such consideration as that of an original novel.
Embracing Fanfiction’s Role
Fanfiction is much more than a hobby. It is a valid and valuable form of creative expression – a transformative tool that enhances writing skills and fosters community, and I truly believe it is important to recognize it as such. Writing fanfiction allows authors to take pride in their work, instilling a sense of accomplishment, as well as allowing for personal growth and a deeper appreciation for the craft of writing. By engaging with fanfiction, aspiring writers can unlock their inner author, develop their craft and build a dedicated readership… which may come in handy for the day they choose to write that NYT best-selling novel idea they have in their heads.
So, if you’re passionate about writing but have perhaps been hesitant to dive into the world of fanfiction because of the stigma attached to it, the best advice I can give is this: just do it. If you enjoy writing, and you love what you’re sharing, that is the most important thing. Use fanfiction writing for the incredibly powerful tool that it is, and let your creativity soar.
Featured Image: A screenshot of a multi-chapter NCIS fanfiction, titled The Oceans We Cross.
NCIS: Tony & Ziva: Not Just A Title
If you’ve read my other post, you’ll already know that NCIS’ OG couple Tony and Ziva are getting their own spinoff show. But yesterday, the official title was revealed: “NCIS: Tony & Ziva“. And people have a lot of thoughts about it. So here’s my two cents.
I’ll preface this by saying that I haven’t looked at any other social media platforms other than Twitter (yes, I still call it that!), so I cannot comment on the reactions of it there, but I can say that the reaction on Twitter was divided, at best. A lot of people were saying it’s too basic, and asking why they couldn’t have come up with something better? Out of all the titles in the world they could have chosen, why did they choose that one? Others loved it.
I’ll admit that it wasn’t what I was expecting when I heard it. I genuinely thought that it was going to be something different – some sort of title that would take a little guess work for outsiders to understand, but then when the penny dropped, it would be obviously clear as to why they had chosen it, especially for Tiva fans. (My thoughts were something like “NCIS: Jet Lag”… because if you know, you know.)
But the more I sat with this title yesterday, the more I loved it. Because it isn’t just a title.
It’s their names, side by side. It’s the two of them as a couple. It’s not just the two of them as individuals at NCIS. It’s not just Tony anymore. It’s not just Ziva.
It’s Tony and Ziva.
The title is intimate. Personal. It solidifies the idea that they’re no longer entirety separate people; that you can’t have one of them without the other. They and their stories will be forever connected by the ampersand.
This show, for us, is twenty years in the making. From the moment Tony and Ziva met in 2005, Tiva fans have been yearning for them to be a couple. Their chemistry is unmatched. Every year there would be the question of: are these two characters ever going to kiss? Every season we’d ask: ‘is this the season where they finally get together?’ But they never did. At least, not until Ziva left, that is. And even then, though they did conceive a child during their fond farewell (which Tony later discovers during his own leaving arc), the two of them have never been a couple on screen.
It is two decades of longing. It is two decades of emotional turmoil for both of these characters. It’s us as fans watching their first interaction in “Kill Ari: Part 1.” It’s watching their teasing and their banter. It’s watching Ziva watch Tony with Jeanne in season 4. It’s the season six finale “Aliyah.” It’s the season seven premiere “Truth or Consequences.” It’s Ziva with Ray. It’s Tony with EJ. It’s “Under Covers,” “Boxed In,” “Cloak,” “Reunion,” “Jet Lag,” “A Desperate Man,” “Housekeeping,” “Canary,” “Shabbat Shalom,” “Shiva,” “Berlin,” “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot,” and “Past Present Future.” It’s all of the small moments that Tony and Ziva have shared – the looks, the words, the closeness without the two of them ever being together as a couple. It’s the sexual tension, and the heartache. It’s us as the audience watching these two people fall in love with one another, and wanting them to finally admit their feelings.
It’s easy to brush the title off as unoriginal; to feel like not a lot of thought has gone into it. But, when you consider their journey spanning two decades, and realise how much these characters have been through to get to where they are now, it’s actually rather poetic.
It represents them – together. And it carries with it twenty years of emotions.
It’s not just a title.
Tiva Spin-Off: NCIS’ OG Ship Are Getting Their Own Show!
Yes! That’s right – you heard me! Tony and Ziva are getting their own spinoff and I am practically vibrating with excitement! I know that if you’re reading this, the news has been out for a while – almost two months, but truthfully, it has taken me this long to process it; to gather my words into coherent sentences to explain exactly how I feel about this… and even then, I feel like the words that I write here cannot do justice to how overwhelmingly elated I am.
If you read my post back in January about my preliminary thoughts on NCIS: Origins, you’ll know that I have been a long time lover of the mothership for almost as long as it has been airing. For a large portion of my adolescence and teens, it was my favourite show, and I would sit down religiously every single week to witness my favourite crime-fighting, ass-kicking team in action. That was, until, the departure of Ziva David (Cote De Pablo), in season 11.
When Cote left NCIS, I was heartbroken. I had never been so deeply devastated by something before in my entire life, and I can only describe the depth of the despair and sadness I felt as something akin to grief. It’s hard when you build a sentimental and emotional attachment to a character, to have them suddenly ripped from your grasp, because it genuinely feels as though you’re saying goodbye to a friend or family member for the last time. You invite these characters into your homes for years, and the moment they are not there anymore, you certainly notice their absence. And this was the hardest television goodbye I had ever had to go through.
But, it wasn’t just Ziva David I was saying goodbye to. It also meant saying a very heavy farewell to the ‘ship’ called “Tiva” [Tony + Ziva]. If you’ve been a long-time fan of NCIS, then you’re probably very familiar with this duo and their magnetic energy, the sexual tension, longing looks from across the bullpen, jealousy, fights, and the two of them constantly teetering on the line of being just friends and something more. It’s a ship that I hopped on board with before I even knew that the term ‘shipping’ meant, and it’s one that I sailed, through hell and high water, for almost a decade. And the heartbreak of letting them go was equally as devastating.
As fans, all we ever wanted throughout the course of their run on the show together was for Tiva to be together, and by season 10 we were incredibly close to finally having our dreams come true. But, as anybody in the Tiva fandom will tell you: it felt like the writers hated us, and hated this ship. They couldn’t even consider the possibility of the two of them actually being together, and so just as they dangled the carrot, it was brutally ripped from our grasp. We were teased time and time again with these small moments of Tiva being in love but never truly admitting their feelings for one another… and just when we thought they would and the writers would finally allow them to cross that line, they did a complete 180.
[Note: The writers have claimed in the past that if Cote had stayed, Tiva would have happened eventually and that we ‘were not that far off from having it happen’, but truthfully, as a fandom, we found (and still find) this very hard to believe in. Our trauma and trust issues with these writers run deep.]
Then, of course, our dreams seemed entirely impossible. Because how can these two characters even get together when Ziva is no longer there? They gave us some heartbreakingly beautiful moments in “Past, Present, and Future,” and yet, after having waited eight years for this to happen, it just didn’t feel like enough. There was no true love confession. There was simply a kiss in the poorest lighting, to commemorate this moment.
Skip forward two years later, to the end of season 13. Michael Weatherly is leaving the show. The ‘Tony’ of Tiva was going for good… but of course, being Tiva fans, we held onto the small inch of hope that our dreams could still come true. And in some ways, they did. Tony and Ziva ended up with a daughter, Tali – confirmation that what we had always wanted to happen, happened! But, remember when I said that the writers hated us and hated the ship? Of course they had to add in a big screw you, by killing the character of Ziva (off-screen), to make the event of a reunion between Tony and Ziva virtually impossible. (But even impossible things come true sometimes…)
But still, though it seemed like the ship had sunk to the very bottom of the ocean, we held out the tiny wavering thread of possibility that someday, somehow, it might still happen. We dived deep into the plot holes, pulling apart everything that could possibly signal that they hadn’t completely betrayed us and the character. ‘Ziva loves Paris.’ (Emphasis on the present tense). No body, no crime. And most of all: Ziva would not have been that reckless. (If you’re a Ziva or Tiva fan, you know…)
And while this was somewhat remedied during Ziva’s return arc in season 17 – as it turns out she was in fact alive and in hiding, and not dead like most people had previously believed (everyone except us Tiva fans!), and ended with her reuniting off screen with Tony and Tali in Paris, we just wish there had been so much more. Because knowing is one thing. But seeing it with your own eyes, is another.
This yet-to-be-titled show is all we, as Tiva fans, have ever wanted and more. It has been eleven years since we last saw them on screen together, and we have ached for this moment ever since. Even in January’s post, I mentioned how if I had things my way, Tiva would get a spinoff of their own! (I’m actually sitting here cackling with laughter, because little did I know what was going to be announced just over two months later… am I clairvoyant? Was it my Gibbs’ gut?)
To outsiders, this spinoff may seem unnecessary, or as though we are overly invested in it, but when two characters and their (at times, tragic), love story have been a part of you and shaped your life for nearly two decades, is there any other way to be? The purpose of this spinoff is not about the money. It’s not about being ‘relevant’ (but, for us Tiva fans, they always are…). It’s for the fans who have spent their lives loving and adoring this couple from the moment they appeared on screen, yearning for them to be together. (And the fact that it will be airing on Paramount+ rather than on prime time television also bodes extremely well for us, because of the greater possibilities they now have content-wise… spicy scenes and swearing? Is that on the horizon?!)
It doesn’t matter if others don’t understand how monumental of a moment this is for us. We know.
But, the thing that makes me vibrate with excitement even more than the idea of the spinoff, is the fact that it will be run by the captains of the ship – Michael Weatherly and Cote De Pablo. They are at the helm of the boat, steering Tiva’s journey out of the harbour. And, unlike the mothership writers, we have complete faith and trust in them and in the voyage upon which we are about to embark. They love the characters of Tony and Ziva as much as we do, and we have never been more certain that Tiva’s love story is in safe hands.
Ship: to take an interest in or hope for a romantic relationship between (fictional characters or famous people), whether or not the romance actually exists.
Photo: Richard Foreman/CBS/Getty Images
Surviving Your First Year at University
I know first hand that university can be a very daunting experience, even for the most prepared individual. Meeting new people and living away from home can be utterly terrifying and overwhelming, especially if you have never lived on your own before.
Though, fear not, as I can guarantee that 99% of students at university have felt this way. Much like everything else at university, it is a learning curve, and people adapt to life there in their own way, at their own pace.
Personally, I found the first two weeks the hardest, as I am an only child. The thought of living away from my parents for such a long time made me want to hide under a rock forever. But, I believe that it is a necessary experience for anybody going to university, as it gives you the independence that you otherwise wouldn’t have had.
It’s no lie when they say that the first year is the hardest. The first year of anything is always the hardest. It takes a lot of adjusting and, for most people, change can be very difficult.
The years you spend at university will be filled with pivotal moments, such as meeting your flatmates living for the first time and making new friends. You’ll get to experience Freshers week, and Christmas at university is always a fun experience, even if you’re not planning on staying there over the festive period. You’ll celebrate your first birthdays with a new group of friends, and may even witness the birth of a relationship between housemates or good friends. On the other hand, you may also be with them through something catastrophic such as the diagnosis of an illness, or the death of a family member or friend. These years are the most defining years of your life as you try and navigate the path between who you are and who you want to be.
And sometimes, it can feel a little bit overwhelming. Which is okay.
But, here are my five little nuggets of advice and lessons I have learnt about ‘surviving’ your first year at university.
1. Don’t try to be friends with absolutely everybody you meet.
The universal truth is: you will not be friends with every single person that you encounter. Just like everywhere else, there are going to be people that annoy you, that you really can’t stand, and would never choose to be friends with if you were outside of the university campus.
Often, you may not even meet your “true” group of friends until your second year, and may not even be really close with them until your final year of university comes around.
There is no time limit on making friends. I know you’re probably worried that you may never make any friends at university. I felt like that too.
Of the twelve people I lived with in my first year, I ended up only being friends with four of them. The rest of my friends I made on my courses, when I didn’t even realise that I was making friends. Then, suddenly, you’re making study groups together, spending your evenings watching Grey’s Anatomy, and having celebratory dinner/drinks in Wetherspoons on your very last day of university.
Five years have gone by, and I wish I could say that I keep in touch with my close university friends and see them often. But I don’t. We have each other on Facebook and Instagram, but I have maybe seen one of them once or twice in the five years since we graduated. We don’t message each other very often. And the friends I made at university that I do message often are ones whom I am still surprised by – friends who I never hung out with outside of classes, or even spoke to a lot… but have somehow grown deep and meaningful connections through conversations on social media.
I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me sad that I don’t speak to the people I was close with at university, but I realise that it is simply a fact of life that not every single friend you make with whom you are close will accompany you through the rest of your life. Some friendships are ephemeral, only ever meant to exist within the environment in which they were created. Like Nanny McPhee says: ‘When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I have to go.’
My friendships from university came at different times, and whether I speak to those friends still or not, I know that the experiences in which we shared during our time together will forever bind us, even if just in memory.
2. First impressions are not always correct.
I’m not going to lie. The first time I met one of my friends, I thought she was going to be a complete bitch. (She’s hard this story before, so I hope she doesn’t mind me telling it!)
She had an air about her that made me really uncomfortable. I had encountered a similar feeling back in secondary school with the girl who bullied me, so as you can imagine, I assumed that the two were alike.
But, as I said. first impressions are not always true.
As it turns out, she is one of the sweetest human beings alive, and I’m proud to call her my friend. We bonded over out love of literature and creative writing, and we even went to see the musical Waitress in London together!
Moral of the story: don’t always trust your first impressions of people until you’ve really gotten to know them. Because, like me, you may find out that you’re far more similar than you think.
3. Don’t try to take everything with you.
One of the biggest mistakes that I see people making (which I too have also made) is trying to take absolutely everything they own with them. This is entirely absurd, and I hate to say it, but it will never work.
My biggest piece of advice probably comes now, with: think practically about what you’re going to need, and only take the things that you’re going to use, otherwise you’re just taking up space which could be better utilised in other ways.
During my first year of university, I took SO much stuff with me. I’m not even kidding. My whole room was full of things that I thought I would need, but I didn’t. To be perfectly honest, I probably only used a third of everything I took with me.
I took DVD’s I never even watched, books I didn’t have time to read, stationery I never used, and clothes I never wore (mostly because you end up wearing the same pair of jeans for a week!)
That’s why, for my second year I only took a few items of clothing with me. A tiny suitcase full of clothes that I knew I was definitely going to wear. And them, at Christmas, should I want to swap my wardrobe around, I would take the clothes I no longer wanted to wear back home and switch them out for other ones.
I also ditched the DVDs at home and invested in a Netflix and Amazon Prime subscription. (Fun fact: Student’s get 50% off Prime membership every year. Details at the end of this post.) Not only did I not have to pack the DVDs at the end of the year, but there was also a far bigger range of movies and TV shows for me to watch!
Ultimately, if in doubt, pack lightly. You can always get what you don’t need later.
And remember: the more things you take with you, the more things you have to bring back home when you move out of your accommodation.
4. Be honest with the people you’re living with.
As you can probably expect, being thrown into halls with a group of anywhere between four and twelve people can be quite stressful, particularly when you all have such different personalities and interests. But, you also get to see the honest side of people’s behaviour, and after living with them 24/7 for several months, it’s more than likely that you might not understand why they act a certain way.
In my case, I am an only child and had never lived with other people the same age as myself before. This of course meant that at home, I would spend a lot of time by myself – getting on with my own things in the comfort of my own room, because that is what I was familiar and comfortable with. I am fiercely independent, very much an introvert, and enjoy my own company a lot of the time. I like being able to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them, without having to answer to anybody else or feeling like I have to explain my actions to others.
As a result, in my first year, I spent a lot of time in my room by myself and didn’t socialise in the communal space as much as other people. It’s not that I didn’t want to be friends with them, because I did, but I found it very difficult to suddenly by thrown into an environment where I felt like I had to spend a lot of time with other people when I was so used to be on my own. I felt like I was being forced to be less independent as a human being (slightly ironic, considering I was properly ‘adulting’ for the first time.) and it was a very hard adjustment to make.
I also didn’t go to many of the events in my first year, which, retrospectively, I wish I had. Once again, being an introvert has its downsides, as I much preferred to be my myself and the whole idea of nightclubs and crowds sounded like absolute torture. (Not to mention that I’m the worlds most awkward dancer.) Though, I eventually braved it, and it turns out that they’re not nearly as bad as I was imagining. I still don’t like crowds and I’m still the worlds most awkward dancer… but the nights out were fun, and to tell the truth, I actually miss them.
The point that I’m trying to make here, is that if I had only been honest with my flatmates about my introverted personality from the beginning, they would have had a better understanding of me, and I probably would have had more nights our, or nights in, to enjoy.
Being honest with those that you are living with is also important, not only for them to understand you better, but also save many an argument. You may find that after living with the same people for several months that there are things that others do which completely annoy you. It may be anything from someone not pulling their weight when it comes to cleaning and chores, or people leaving their dirty dishes on the side for weeks as their old food grows mould because they have always had other people clean up after them. Whatever it is, it might drive you nuts. And it could lead to some disastrous consequences.
So, if there is something that is bothering you, be honest. You may even find that it’s bothering other people too.
Fun fact: My housemates and I had a think called ‘Tidy Up and Time To Talk Tuesday’. Every week, we would each take on a different chore in the kitchen/flat – one person washing dishes, one person cleaning sides, one person vacuuming etc. Once we had finished cleaning the communal kitchen together, we would sit around and discuss the things that were bothering us all that week – whether it be personally in our life, or in relation to living at uni etc. We found this to be the most effective way to deal with situations, as everybody got a turn to talk and we could resolve the issues there and then. (I highly recommend implementing something similar because we found it extremely beneficial, and almost like a tiny support group. It’s also a great way to voice your concerns with someone, as you have other people there who can offer intervention should it be needed!)
5. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Enjoy the experience.
I know that for many people it can feel like there is so much riding on the first year of university, and while that technically isn’t wrong, it’s also important to remember that here in the UK, your first year doesn’t count towards your final degree.
Now, I’m not saying slack off or do jack all for the first year, as you still need good grades and good attendance to be able to pass it it. But, if you make mistakes, if you don’t get the top grades, or if you don’t understand things, it’s perfectly okay.
I have said it before, and I will say it again: it is a learning curve.
There is so much to learn, and just like every new adventure you embark upon, you are not expected to know it all overnight. You’re not expected to remember every single detail of information that you have ever been taught. You don’t have to squeeze as much information into your brain as you possibly can the night before an exam, or remember giant passages and clocks of text.
There was a plethora of information that I didn’t know in my first year – things I had never heard of, things I had never been taught before, and concepts which were completely alien to me.
But that is the point of having a first year – to make sure that everybody is on a level playing field, as it were. Essentially, the first year is a foundation course to the rest of your degree. Everybody learns all the preliminary information that they are going to need to know and use over the duration of the course.
But, as I said before, it doesn’t count towards your degree… so if you’re feeling like it is the be all or end all if you only get a 48 in an essay (I had a few of those in my first year), it isn’t. If you cite something entirely wrong, it’s okay. And, if you forget to cite an entire paragraph of text because you were up until 3am in the morning writing your essay, and submitted the copy as your final draft, meaning you failed as you achieved a grade of 32 and had to retake it at the end of the academic year… that’s okay too.
The point is, you’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to screw up. You’re going to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. You’re going to wonder if you’ve made a mistake going to university, and wonder if it’s actually or you. You are going to wonder if it will ever get any easier. That is what the first year is all about. And trust me, it’s better that you make your big mistakes in the first year, rather than completely screwing up your second year and putting your degree in jeopardy.
Don’t spend your first year worrying about every little thing, or about every grade and assignment. You have two more years to worry about all of those things – and to worry about them when they actually matter.
Just enjoy the experience while you can, because before you know it, three years will have passed you by and you’ll be wishing that you could relive it all over again, one last time.
Sign up for Prime Student here for only £40 a year once the six month trial ends. All you have to do is enter your university email address and confirm the link, and bada-bing, bada-boom! [Note: I think this link might be outdated, but bare with me as I’m doing my best to find one that’s recent!]
Introduction
As we begin another year, I think it’s only natural that we end up reflecting and reminiscing on all the things the year has brought us, but also on all the years which have passed us in a blink of an eye.
2024 will mark six years since I graduated from university, and in some ways it still feels like yesterday that I was experiencing the student life with all my friends.
I’ll admit that when I first started, I was entirely clueless about the experience. It was very much a dive-in-at-the-deep-end situation for me. I hadn’t lived on my own before, like I’m sure many other people hadn’t, and I had to a) try and navigate how to keep myself alive when I could barely cook, b) manage my studies, c) budget, and d) enjoy the experience – all of which were a learning curve. There was no student survival guide, and I simply had to figure it all out as I went along.
I was fortunate enough to be experiencing university at the same time as most of my friends, with a good support network of wisdom and advice around me to get me through. But, I know that there were many of my friends who were not as lucky, and who had to go through the experience entirely on their own. And it got me thinking, what if they didn’t have to? What if there was a guide that told them everything they needed to know about the university experience, so that they felt a little more prepared before being in the midst of it.
And so, I’ve decided to start a series: Student Survival Guide, where I’ll be sharing everything I know and learnt during my time as a student. From budgeting and money saving, living on and off campus, essay resources, thing I’d wish I’d done differently, and more – I’ll be posting it all on here in the hope that it is of tremendous use to you or somebody you know, and offers some guidance when it is needed most.
Adaptation Review: Daisy Jones and the Six | Amazon Prime
When the news broke that Daisy Jones and the Six was going to be made into a miniseries, I couldn’t wait. While the book was not my favourite, I was excited at the prospect of the adaptation. As the novel is written as an interview with the members after the band’s breakup, documenting their journey from the beginning, to their success, and their downfall, I envisioned that the whole story would be brought to life on screen in the way that a book cannot do. Being able to physically hear the dialogue of these characters if they were being interviewed would make it feel so real that it would be impossible to remember that they’re fictional.
I was expecting to be blown away, and yet, I got two episodes into the series and I found myself not liking it at all.
Often people say that reading a book before watching the film/series can be somewhat of a curse. Readers tend to build up an image of what things look like in their head, and many times what they picture – in terms of characters and settings – never make it onto the big screen. Which, I found was the case with Daisy Jones.
Firstly, I think the casting directors did an excellent job choosing Riley Keough for the role, because she perfectly captures the chaotic mess that is Daisy , and I don’t think I could have selected anybody better for the part. Riley was exactly how I pictured Daisy to look, with her flaming red hair, and exquisite features, even before the adaptation was announced. However, when it comes to other characters – Billy Dunn, Camila, etc. there was just something that didn’t quite hit the mark for me. Of course, I have nothing against the actors chosen for these roles – and I think Sam Claflin is a brilliant actor in his own right, but I imagined Billy with a Kurt Cobain look/vibe and he didn’t scream Billy to me. And while I wasn’t disappointed with Suki Waterhouse, she just wasn’t the Karen I had imagined in my head.
But, truthfully, I don’t think the casting was the problem for me, as even if the characters don’t look exactly as I imagine, I can usually get on board with their performances, especially if they’re good ones.
In fact, I think the whole thing was just way too slow. I know from reading the book that it isn’t the most fast-paced narrative, but literally nothing happens in the first two episodes of the series. I kept watching, and waiting, and yet, I got to the end of each and found myself disappointed. In the book, Daisy and the band meet relatively quickly into the story, and yet, at the end of the second installment their paths still hadn’t crossed. While I think background is important with stories set in previous eras as historical context is important, there was just way too much in these episodes and not enough plot pushing the story forward. I wanted more and wanted something to keep me interested, but my intrigue faded rather fast, hence why I finished the second episode and made it no further.
But, I have to admit that the soundtrack is FIRE. “…Regret Me” and “Look At Us Now (Honeycomb)” are two of my absolute favorites, and I adore the fact that they released an album alongside the adaptation, as it really immerses you in the story. I was surprised by how good Sam Claflin is as a singer, and Riley Keough too, though I wasn’t too surprised considering her grandfather was Elvis Presley… music is basically in her genes. Even if you haven’t seen the series or read the book, I highly recommend listening to ‘Aurora’ on Spotify. If you like 70s alternative indie/rock/folk then you’ll love the songs included on the album!
Perhaps it’s a crazy idea, but I feel like this would have made an excellent adaptation in the form of a radio drama or podcast. The mixture of the band interviews and the music would have been brilliant to listen to, without the constraints or needing to include all of the other information like in an audio book, straight from the page.
I have had many people tell me to stick with it because apparently it gets better, but I feel like unless the story is a thriller with massive twists and turns and an excellent payoff, then each episode up until the ‘good bit’ or the part of Daisy Jones that I’m waiting for, feels wasted until that moment. Maybe I’ll try and revisit this again in the future once I get through my lengthy list of other adaptations waiting for me, but for now, the overall series is only getting 2 and a half stars from me.
Book Review: 11/22/63 by Stephen King
If you’ve scrolled through my Instagram then I don’t need to be the first to tell you that I’ve read a fair few books – from romances and thrillers, to murder mysteries, fantasy, and children’s fiction. I’m a book lover, and I will never turn down a recommendation. But there is no other book I have read that has affected me like this one.
Before this, I had never read a Stephen King novel. I’m not a fan of horror, so most of his works don’t really appeal to me very much. So, when I said to my best friend, Isaac, that I wanted to start reading his work, he suggested that I begin with 11/22/63. And holy moly cannoli with a side of pepperoni, what a book to start with!
I have a confession: this is not a recent read. I actually read this five years ago, in 2019, but I think about it constantly. When someone asks me what my favourite book is, this is the one with which I reply. I am not a fan of historical fiction, but this is the exception. It combines history with fantasy and thriller, and is an exquisite piece of writing that I urge everybody to read.
I never ever thought I would be crying at a Stephen King novel. The words “crying” and “Stephen King” don’t usually fit in the same sentence unless they’re tears of fear and horror. But the ending of this book had me sobbing for forty-five minutes. I cried, re-read the ending, and then cried for another forty-five. The ending was so profoundly moving that it was overwhelming for me, and I never wanted it to end. It was beautiful and bittersweet – both heartbreaking and comforting, and I couldn’t have imagined anything better.
This novel is over 800 pages long – something which is probably intimidating to a lot of readers, especially if they have the “big book fear.” Tackling something so dense in length can feel overwhelming, like climbing a mountain and wondering if you’re ever going to reach the top, while also asking whether the payoff is going to be worth it. I myself will admit that I had the same thoughts and was apprehensive at the beginning. It was the first book over five hundred pages that I had ever tried to read, and my fear was that I was going to lose interest or I wouldn’t be able to make it to the end.
I’m not going to lie: the story is quite slow to begin with, and doesn’t really get started until around 200 pages in. There is so much detail, description, and backstory that it can be a lot to process. But once the story really starts, it’s an utter page turner. It took me two days to read the entire thing because I couldn’t put it down, and once I finished it, I wanted to re-read it all over again.
Of course, you’re probably asking whether all of the 800+ pages are necessary? The answer: yes. One hundred percent, yes. It is in my honest opinion that I don’t think the book would have been the same without them. Does it get a little bit repetitive at some points? Sometimes. After all, you’re reading about a time travelling English teacher journeying back to the same day in history over and over again, with a detail/action changed each time (both big, and small). But, it is this repetition that upholds the ending. It is this repetition – the feeling of having lived Jake and Sadie’s story over and over again with them, that allows for the emotional final pages. (And yes, I believe that this is Jake and Sadie’s story more than anything.)
Honestly, I can’t really say any more about this book without giving things away, and I really don’t want to spoil anything, as this is a book you have to read without knowing much about the plot or the characters. I wish I could forget everything I know about this book and read it again for the first time because it was a rollercoaster and a half.
And to those who are still hesitant about picking this up: don’t be. I promise it’s worth every moment.
This is a book that has irrevocably changed me, and it is a story that I will carry with me forever.
Favourite Quotes:
✨ ‘When all else fails, give up and go to the library.’
✨ ‘We never know which lives we influence, or when, and why.’
✨ ‘.. stupidity is one of the two things we see most clearly in retrospect. The other is missed chances.’
✨ ‘A person who doesn’t learn from the past is an idiot, in my estimation.’
✨ ‘But I believe in love, you know; love is a uniquely portable magic. I don’t think it’s in the stars, but I do believe that blood calls to blood and mind calls to mind and heart to heart.’
✨ ‘Life always turns on a dime. Sometimes towards us, but more often it spins away, flirting and flashing as it goes: so long, honey, it was good while it lasted, wasn’t it?’
✨ ‘Sometimes the things presented to us as choices aren’t choices at all.’
✨ ‘If you’ve ever been homesick, or felt exiled from all the things and people that once defined you, you’ll know how important welcoming words and friendly smiles can be.’
✨ ‘Even people capable of living in the past don’t really know what the future holds.’
✨ On the subject of love at first sight, I’m with the Beatles: I believe that it happens all the time.’
✨ ‘I saw something even more beautiful than a sense of humour: an appreciation for life’s essential absurdity.’
✨ ‘Things do happen for a reason, but do we like the reason? Rarely.’
✨ ‘Home is watching the moon rise over the open, sleeping land, and having someone you can call to the window, so you can look together.’
✨ ‘Resistance to change is proportional to how much the future might be altered by any given act.’
✨ ‘For most of us, I think it’s easier to admit doing wrong than being stupid.’
✨ ‘Sometimes life coughs up coincidences no writer of fiction would dare copy.’
✨ ‘Life’s simplest answers are often the easiest to overlook.’
✨ ‘Life’s too sweet to give up without a fight, don’t you think?’
✨ ‘History doesn’t repeat itself, but it harmonizes, and what it usually makes is the devil’s music.’
✨ ‘A person could see a lot without ever leaving his own living room. Especially if he had the right tools.’
✨ ‘You know how it’s going to end, but instead of spoiling things, that somehow increases your fascination. It’s like watching a kid run his electric train faster and faster and waiting for it to derail on one of the curves.’
✨ ‘Sarcastic people tend to be marshmallows underneath the armour.’
✨ ‘Like all sweet dreams, it will be brief… but brevity makes sweetness, doesn’t it? Yes, I think so. Because when the time is gone, you can never get it back.’
✨ ‘The multiple choices and possibilities of daily life are the music we dance to. They are like strings on a guitar. Strum them and you create a pleasing sound. A harmonic.’
✨ ‘Because the past isn’t just obdurate; it’s in harmony with both itself and the future.’
Book Review: Finlay Donovan is Killing It by Elle Cosimano
When author Finlay Donovan is discussing the plot of her new suspense novel with her agent over lunch, she’s mistaken for a contract killer, and inadvertently accepts an offer to dispose of a problem husband in order to make ends meet… but, Finlay soon discovers that crime in real life is a lot more difficult that it’s fictional counterpart, as she becomes entangled in a real-life murder investigation.
First things first, I absolutely adored the plot of this novel! It was a genius piece of writing in terms of how Finlay ends up in her less-than-ideal situation. It really is a prime example of how context in a conversation is everything, and how easy it is to misconstrue one thing for something else.
Don’t get me wrong… this book is in no way realistic. It’s over-the-top, and the things that Finlay and Vero get away with would never happen. But then, we’re here for the entertainment, not for the realism, and the absurd dramatics that are incorporated within this book are really what makes it fun to read!
I’m really not going to dive into any plot details because this is a book where you need to discover all of the twists and turns for yourself, but this book is super twisty and I never saw half of them coming! I haven’t gasped so much in a long time; and just when you think you know what’s coming, more information is thrown into the mix which entirely changed your perspective and theories!
The relationship between Finlay and her nanny, Vero, is one we all need. They make a wonderful pair, and are the perfect partners-in-crime… literally. I could feel their bond through the pages, and I just liked them both as characters (which is another one of the reasons why I think this book works so well.)
However, two not so likeable characters were Stephen and Teresa… but especially Stephen. I was so hoping that the two of them would get their comeuppance (do they – well, read and find out!). Stephen is literally the most toxic man in existence (and he’s not even real!), and I haven’t found myself so infuriated with a character in a long time. He had no respect or faith in Finlay and every time he made an appearance I wanted to punch his lights out (or at least hoped Finlay would!)
But, one of my favourite moments has to be towards the end of the book when Finlay and Vero go back for ***. This whole scene was such a page turner and I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. In fact, night turned into early morning because I was up until 2am reading as I had to know what happened.
And as for the ending… WHAT? This book ends on an epic cliffhanger, and I made me eager to read the next in the series!
I really think this book would make the most perfect TV adaptation, eand I really hope it happens because I can’t even tell you how excited I would be to see this series on screen. It gives both Pretty Little Liars mixed with Criminal Minds vibes and you know what… I’m totally here for it.
If you’re looking for a light mystery with comedic thrill, then add this one to your list friends, because I can guarantee that it won’t disappoint!
Favourite Quotes:
✨ ‘It’s a widely known fact that most moms are ready to kill someone by eight thirty A.M. on any given morning. On the particular morning of Tuesday, October eighth, I was ready by seven forty-five. If you’ve never had to wrestle a two-year-old slathered in maple syrup into a diaper while your four-year-old decides to give herself a haircut in time for preschool, all while trying to track down the whereabouts of your missing nanny as you sop up coffee grounds from an overflowing pot because in your sleep-deprived fog you forgot to put in the filter, let me spell it out for you.’
✨ ‘My Google search history alone was probably enough to put me on a government watch list. I wrote suspense novels about murders like this. I’d searched every possible way to kill someone. With every conceivable kind of weapon.’
✨ ‘Iris Smiled, endorphins loosening the stern lines of her face. She actually looked like she was enjoying this. The woman was a masochist.’
✨ ‘Easy for her to say. She was twenty-two and had never had children. She could probably hold it until menopause.’
✨ ‘Let us not attribute to malice and cruelty what may be referred to less criminal motives.’ I make it a point never to assume the worst about people.’
✨ ‘Unfortunately, the man’s made of Teflon. Nothing sticks. He should’ve been locked up a dozen times, but there isn’t a judge in the state with the balls to convict him. Even if we could, he has friends that can make almost anyone disappear . . . new name, new passport, and wipe them off the map as if they’d never existed.’
Book Review: Five Survive by Holly Jackson
With the release of The Reappearance of Rachel Price this year, I thought it only right that I should post about the last Holly Jackson book I read, because holy cannoli with a side of pepperoni – what a thrilling, suspenseful and amazing novel it was!
I absolutely loved the first book in A Good Girls Guide to Murder and though I haven’t read the sequels (yet), I knew from the moment this book was announced that I most definitely had to read it! Thus, imagine my excitement and glee when I found an early proof copy on the free bookshelves at work, and got to devour this before it’s official publication!
Boy, oh boy, Holly Jackson has done it again. I can’t even begin to explain how good this book was. From the very start to the very end, I was on the edge of my seat – heart pounding, and palms sweating! Holly Jackson knows how to write thrillers, and I think this is one of the best I’ve ever read.
I’ll admit that it is a little slow to begin with as it’s mostly setting the scene for the rest of the story… but once it picked up the pace it sucked me in like a black hole, and I even stayed up reading until 3am because I couldn’t put it down! For me, the best kind of thrillers are the ones where the narrator is always unreliable, or you consistently question the validity of each and every thing that a character says or does, and I think that is why this thriller works particularly well and is so addictive. There wasn’t a single moment where I was able to predict what was going to happen throughout this novel, and I gasped in shock many, many times.
This novel sees an ensemble of six teenagers on their way to spring break, confined in an RV, and before they know it they’ve broken down in the middle of nowhere with bullets flying at them left right and centre. Why? That’s up to the six of them to figure out… but the only thing that’s for certain: one of them knows. But, which one?
Holly’s writing is the perfect example of giving the audience just enough to keep them engaged with the story, but not giving away too much that it spoils everything. Though written in the third person, she writes such unreliable narratives for each of the six characters, and you as a reader are constantly questioning their motives and dialogue… and perhaps that is where the brilliance of this book lies.
If you’re a fan of twisty thrillers that will have you neglecting food, sleep, and every other daily task so you can finish reading, then this will be one for you!
Favourite Quotes:
✨ ‘One sniper. One gun. One red dot. And one liar.’
✨ ‘This was the absolute worst way to die. Mid-squat-pissing behind a tree while Maddy’s axe-murderer charged at her from the front.’
✨ ‘What are you, the tequila guardian?’ He pointed at her. ‘Right, because I’m Mexican?’
✨ ‘Simon scoffed. ‘Sure, just a misunderstanding. There’s a sniper out there with a high-powered rifle and a laser sight who’s decided to use us as target practice. But yeah, just a misunderstanding.’
✨ ‘Oh, come on,’ Simon interjected. ‘This is turning into Lord of the Fucking Flies. We’re going to end up killing each other, forget about the sniper.’
✨ ‘For god’s sake, Simon, enough with The Office references.’
Recipe: Orzo, Feta, and Balsamic Salad
A quick and easy pasta salad, packed full of veggies and flavour!
Prep time: 10 minutes
Cooking time (pasta): 12 minutes
Serves: 3-4 (depending on portion size)
Good for: Quick lunch/dinner
Ingredients:
200g Orzo pasta
2 x diced Red Bell Pepper/Capsicum
4 x diced Spring Onions
1/2 diced Cucumber
1/2 bag Chopped Baby Spinach
50g diced Feta Cheese
1/2 cup chopped Dill
3 x tablespoons Dried Oregano
3 x tablespoons Dried Thyme
2 x tablespoons Wholegrain Mustard
Olive Oil
Balsamic Vinegar
Salt & Pepper to taste
- Add Orzo to a pan of boiling water. Reduce heat and cook for 10-12 minutes until al dente.
- Once cooked and drained, add Orzo to a bowl and let cool.
- Chop the baby spinach, bell pepper, dill, spring onions, and cucumber and add to bowl of Orzo.
- Drizzle over olive oil and balsamic vinegar (either frugally or generously… whatever suits your taste!)
- Add in dried oregano, dried thyme, and wholegrain mustard.
- Crumble Feta cheese over the top.
- Extra: add the juice of one lemon.
- Sprinkle salt and pepper to taste.
- Serve!
Book Review: Bad Men by Julie Mae Cohen
Saffy has a secret: A secret she is deeply ashamed of. It’s not the fact that she’s a serial killer in her free time. In fact, she’s quite proud of that. After all, she’s only killing bad men. She’s making the world a better place.
No, her secret is far worse than that. She has a messy, inexplicable, uncontrollable crush. So, while she’s busy plotting her next murder, she also has the much harder task of figuring out how to get a boyfriend.
but, if there’s one thing Safft knows, it’s how to get her man…
—
So, I was kindly sent a proof copy by Zaffre Books before it’s release, and I kid you not when I say that it ruined all other books in 2023 for me. I completely binged it in a day or two because it has all the makings of an exceptional thriller and I could not put it down. Literally. I would try and focus at work, but honestly all I could think about was reading this book until I finished it.
I’m not usually one for annotating my books as I’m too much of a perfectionist and they would have to be annotated exactly right, but I found that I couldn’t help it with this one. There were so many great lines, so many thoughts bumbling around in my head as I was reading, and so many shocking twists, that I felt it only appropriate to note down my reactions as they happened – and that happened to be in the margins of the book, because where else could I put them?
This book is an utter rollercoaster. One second I am laughing from the sickeningly dark humour, and the next I am on the edge of my seat because it’s suspenseful and tense! I have never read a book that is able to execute this so exquisitely. I often find that most thrillers tend to focus on the thrill aspect of the book and forget about the subtle tension that you’re able to create – something which this novel does so well through Saffy’s character. It is rare that I have such visceral reactions to a book, but my heart was pounding, my stomach was twisting, and I audibly gasped more than once!
As for Saffy, I sit on the edge of loving her and also being utterly disturbed – something which I still have yet to make up my mind about months later. The line between vigilante and psychopath is so blurred that the two become almost indistinguishable, and I feel it’s almost inappropriate to say that you like or love her as a character because of her actions. , I would situate Saffy in the circle of morally grey characters like Dexter Morgan from Dexter… I mean, she’s practically his female counterpart so I guess that would make sense. Does the fact that she’s doing the wrong thing for the right reasons make it wrong?
But her (very) dark humour – to the point where it’s impossible to tell whether she’s joking or not – is so endearing that a part of you can’t help but feel some twisted connection or kinship to her while reading. You don’t want to like her… but you just do. Perhaps it’s because you’re constantly questioning things and wondering whether her actions are in fact justified – is it okay that she’s a serial killer, simply because she’s killing only the bad men who deserve it? Do they deserve it? What does it say about me as a reader if I’m on her side? Does that make me as sick and deranged as her? Is she deranged, or is she a vigilante on a warpath for justice? Do I sympathise and empathise with her on some level?
I’m always in awe of anybody who can write from the perspective of a serial killer. It’s such an intricate mindset to get into that I feel its hard to make it feel real… but somehow Julie managed this perfectly. As I reader, I firmly believe that Saffy is out there right now, just living it and killing it…
In between the edge of my seat action, the thrill of will Saffy/won’t Saffy get caught, the dark humour that had me both unnerved and amused, and the little trail of the Agatha Christie-like breadcrumbs that Julie leaves scattered throughout for us to collect up like the end, I became utterly invested in this book.
It is not surprising that this book had made it to the #1 spot of my 2023 reads because I have recommended it to every single person I know. The book is is currently making its rounds through my family and friends, and so far (from those who have read it), they have all said the same thing: it’s thrilling, sickly humourous, and they absolutely loved every moment of it… so if that’s not motivation for you to pick this up, then I don’t know what is!
Usually this is the space where I would include favourite quotes, but with this book I feel like it would give away too much of the story and the spark that makes this book special… so I’ll simply include a list of some of my other favourite thrillers/crime novels/murder mysteries!
Sadie by Courteney Summers
Finlay Donovan is Killing It by Elle Cosimano (Finlay Donovan #1)
Survive the Night by Riley Sager
Five Survive by Holly Jackson
And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie
The Appeal by Janice Hallett
The Sun Down Motel by Simone St James
Full Dark House by Christopher Fowler (Bryant & May #1)
Book Review: Sadie by Courtney Summers
Sadie hasn’t had an easy life. Growing up on her own, she has been raising her sister Mattie in a small, isolated own, and trying her best to provide them both with a normal life and keep their heads above water. But when Mattie is found dead, Sadie’s entire world comes crumbling down. Sadie is determined to bring her sister’s killer to justice and hits the road following a few meagre clues to find them.
When West McCray – a radio personality working a segment about small, forgotten towns in America, overhearts Sadie’s story at a local gas station, he becomes obsessed with finding the missing girl. He starts his own podcast as he tracks Sadie’s journey, trying to figure out what happened, and hoping to find her before it’s too late.
—
My oh my. It’s hard to know where to begin with this book but I guess I should start by saying that this is unlike any young adult mystery/drama/thriller I have ever read before. The premise of this books was so intriguing, and I absolutely loved the way it was executed. This is a raw, emotional, incredibly dark book, but brilliantly written. The opening line of this book is exquisite, and nothing had never captured my attention and drew me in quite like it. In fact, I think it is one of the best opening lines I have ever read.
I have to admit that I partially listened to to the audiobook version while reading this, mostly for the podcast sections, and I have to say: woah. I didn’t expect it to change the atmosphere so much, but the audiobook is so well done that it’s like it tricked my brain into thinking that I was listening to a real true crime podcast, instead of simply listening to a work of fiction. It completely elevates the experience and I struggled to remember that these characters whose stories were being told weren’t actually real people.
This book presents itself like a puzzle, with Sadie leaving clues as to her whereabouts and what really happened to Mattie, and it is down to the audience, and the podcast presenters, to try and piece it all together to uncover the answers. If you’re a reader who likes a lot of twists and turns, and are a fan of the whodunits, then this might be a good book for you as it will certainly keep you guessing throughout.
As for the ending – I both loved it and I hated it. It’s very ambiguous depending on how you read it, but I can say with certainty that it left me wanting more. I would love for there to be a sequel to this book, bu then again, the ending also left me really satisfied that I feel prolonging or extending the story with another would ruin the suspense, thrill, and mystery of this one.
However, I must say that as much as I rave about this novel, it is not to be taken lightly. In fact, if you are thinking of reading this I would suggest using something like Storygraph or google to research all of the possible trigger and content warnings beforehand, because there are a lot of deep and sensitive things that are explored within this book. It covers themes such as pedophilia, sexual abuse, drug abuse, and murder, not to mention depression, possible suicide, and other mental health conditions. It is a heavy book and not for the feint-hearted. I urge you to open it with caution, in the right headspace, and be prepared that what you’ll read may be difficult at times. But, for those worried – they are not sensationalised. They are real, and brutal, and dark.
I think it would be crass and insensitive of me to say that this was a book that I enjoyed reading because of the content matter inside it. As I have said, a lot of the content inside is not pleasurable or comfortable to read at times, but they are all wrapped up within the mystery – which is written so well.
Ultimately this is a raw, dark, emotional, and brilliant book with a gripping story, and if you think you can read it and have the opportunity to do so, then I would highly recommend (with the audiobook for extra atmosphere!).
Usually this section would be reserved for my favourite quotes, but that too feels inappropriate, so I shall simply leave a few links to some of my favourite true crime podcasts on Spotify which I find utterly interesting.
Crime Junkie by Audiochuck
Conspiracy Theories by Spotify Studios
The Trial of Lucy Letby by Daily Mail
Serial Killers by Spotify Studios
I Could Murder a Podcast by I Could Murder a Podcast
Small Town Murder by James Pietragallo and Jimmie Whisman.
Book Review: When in Rome by Sarah Adams
If you’ve seen my Instagram account, you’ll know how much I love a Sarah Adams book. However, this might just be my favourite book she’s ever written. I managed to read this entirely in one day because I could not put it down! It’s totally binge-worthy and I just want to dive right back into it all over again.
When in Rome is such an enchanting story and the whole time I was reading I couldn’t stop thinking about how it reminded me of Gilmore Girls – small town, romance, comedy, drama… this book is everything. Mabel also exudes Miss Patty vibes and I chuckled out loud more than once at her shenanigans! She didn’t miss a thing, but I love the fact that she acted all innocent and pretend not to know what was going on – I could literally envision her and Noah’s conversation in my mind, and I was beaming the whole time.
And, if it hasn’t been put out there yet, then allow me to say that Noah and Amelia are the 2020s version of Luke and Lorelai. Their banter, and Noah’s grumpy ruggedness was absolutely perfect, and I had love hearts in my eyes the whole time while I was reading about them. Of course, there was less will they/won’t they going on because unlike GG, there were only three hundred odd pages rather than a few seasons… but it will still deliciously wonderful!
I think I have said that about every book of Sarah’s, but I will most likely continue to say it for every book she writes: my favourite thing about her writing is how she writes comedy. I have yet to come across a book that does it as well as she does. I have laughed out loud at every single one – sometimes to the point where my stomach hurts – because she has such an immense talent with the most perfect comedic timing. Honestly, if she ever decides to stop writing books (I hope she doesn’t), I really hope she’d venture into the world of Hallmark movies and write sweet and hilarious romcoms, because I think she would be exquisite at it.
Of course, there are so many other things to love about this book tooe, like the homage to Audrey Hepburn, with whom Amelia is obsessed with! I have to admit that I haven’t seen any of her films (bad, I know, but I will rectify soon!), though I am vaguely familiar with Breakfast at Tiffanys (I mean, even if you haven’t seen it, the post is simply so iconic that you just know!). When in Rome particularly draws inspiration from Hepburn’s film Roman Holiday – considered to be one of the most romantic films of all time – with Amelia constantly asking herself ‘What Would Audrey Do’ in the context of the film to negate her decisions. I mean, that’s the main character energy we all need, right?
Ultimately, if you love Gilmore Girls and you love reading romance books that will have you swooning, then buckle up folks and friends, because this is probably the perfect book for you. It’s like the literary version of Stars Hollow, and every page felt like a giant, comforting hug. You want to nestle into the cosy vibes, and simply live there forever – at least, I do, anyway.
Favourite Quotes:
✨ ‘I think we’ll get hurt a lot in this life, but maybe it’s worth it because sometimes we will experience really amazing things, too. Maybe not everything will end in hurt. But we’ll never know if we don’t try.’
✨ ‘Sometimes a woman is just worn out and needs a break, you know?’ […] ‘That doesn’t prove you’re week or neglectful. It proves to all the women standing by and watching you pave the road to success that it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to shut your door every now and then and put up a sa sign that says ‘busy taking care of me today.’
✨ ‘Care is reckless because it doesn’t come with the seat belt that selfishness offers. Care has so much to lose, and almost always ends in heartbreak.’
✨ ‘Sometimes people decide not to like me for the most arbitrary reasons. SOmetimes it’s just because I’m famous, and successful people make them uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s because I voted differently than them. And sometimes it’s because I frowned outside their favourite yogurt shop and now they want to cancel me forever because they think I’m against yogurt.’
✨ ‘I’ll tell you what makes me madder than a hornet. When people tell other people how they should feel.’
✨ ‘Have you never loved something just for what it means to you?’
✨ ‘If you don’t intend to walk her down the aisle, then don’t go dipping your toes in her pond.’
✨ ‘To me, you’re Amelia. Maker of shitty pancakes and a smile that rivals the sun. All I want is you.’
✨ ‘I will memorize him if it’s the last thing I do. I will carry the feel of his smile in my pocket for the rest of my life.’
✨ ‘Unfortunately, I’m also forbidden from cupcakes, any sort of exhilarating activity, or blinking without Susan’s consent.’
Book Review: The Hating Game by Sally Thorne
Enemies to lovers novels are like marmite – either you love them or you hate them. A lot of people find them super cheesy and unrealistic, but for me, I am an absolute sucker for them. And this, my friends, is perhaps my favourite enemies to lovers story that I have ever read. A bold statement, but true.
I posted about this book on my Instagram back in 2021 as it was my number one book that I read in 2020, and four years later it still sits firmly in my top 10 books of all time. There are very few books which I devour so quickly, or capture my attention so much that I can’t put them down, but this folks and friends, was one of them. I loved everything about it. It was beautifully witty, hilarious, and I found myself physically laughing from cover to cover.
One of the things that I liked most about this book is that it’s written in the first person, from the point of view of the main protagonist, Lucy, which really connects the reader with the character. The way she describes her love/hate relationship with Joshua is so real and expertly crafted that you become so immersed in their love story that it becomes entirely possible to forget that these two human beings only exist on paper. From the very minute you begin reading you are begging, pleading, and yearning for these two characters to realise their love for one another.
Though, I will admit that this novel is a slow burn. Like… a really slow burn to the point where you’re physically itching with anticipation. But the payoff is so good and makes it all worth it. The love/hate relationship/game between Lucy and Josh is one of those romantic archetypes which we love to see but don’t dare admit, and something which can be incredibly difficult for writers to achieve successfully – but Sally Thorne executes it perfectly.
But, perhaps my favourite thing about this book is that it never actually states where the story is taking place. When I started reading I assumed that it was New York City because it had that particular feel, but in actual fact the location is never stated. I think that is what makes this story so wonderful because ultimately it could be set in any city, in any corner of the world; and it is down to the reader to use their imagination about where that might be – perhaps someone near them!
I think it is very rare to have nothing bad to say about a book – not even a small criticism – but personally, with my preferences, I am struggling to find things that I didn’t like. I don’t think I will ever be able to find the right amount of words to be able to describe how much I loved this book, but I think about it often.
Note: Yes, I have also seen the movie; yes, I loved it; but no, I have yet to write a post about it. I’m thinking about writing a book vs film comparison when I get the time, but I think I need to rewatch the film again before I do so!
Favourite Quotes:
✨ ‘Books were, and always would be, something a little magic, and something to respect.’
✨ ‘Watching you pretend to hate the nickname is the best part of my day.’
✨ ‘I have a theory. Hating someone feels disturbingly similar to being in love with them. I’ve had a lot of time to compare love and hate, and these are my observations. Love and hate are visceral. Your stomach twists at the thought of that person. The heart in your chest beats heavy and bright, nearly visible through your flesh and clothes. Your appetite and sleep are shredded. Every interaction spikes your blood with adrenaline and you’re in the brink of fight or flight. Your body is barely under your control. You’re consumed and it scares you. Both love and hate are mirror versions of the same game – and you have to win. Why? Your heart and your ego. Trust me, I should know.’
✨ ‘I want to know what’s going on in your brain. I want to juice your head like a lemon.’
✨ ‘All I want to do is kiss you until I fall asleep. I want to slide in between your sheets, and find out what goes on inside your head and underneath your clothes. I want to make a fool of myself over you.’
✨ ‘I love strawberries. I’m so lovesick, I eat them constantly. Can I nickname you Shortcake? It’ll be a dead giveaway that I love you’
✨ ‘Maybe the only way to truly unite people is through battle and pain. Confrontation and competition. Maybe surviving something is the point.’
✨ ‘Maybe the only way to truly unite people is through battle and pain. Confrontation and competition. Maybe surviving something is the point.’
✨ ‘Maybe the only way to truly unite people is through battle and pain. Confrontation and competition. Maybe surviving something is the point.’
✨ ‘Maybe the only way to truly unite people is through battle and pain. Confrontation and competition. Maybe surviving something is the point.’
✨ ‘Brute, raw masculinity contrasted with gentleness is the most attractive thing on earth.’
✨ ‘You look like a hot virginal dork who’s been defiled in the backseat of my car.’
✨ ‘You love him. You love him. You always have. More than you’ve ever hated him. Every day, staring at this man, knowing every color and expression and nuance. Every game you’ve ever played has been to engage with him. Talk to him. Feel his eyes on you. To try to make him notice you.’
✨ ‘I always thought you’d live underground somewhere, near the earth’s core.’ / ‘Uncle Satan didn’t have any apartments available in my price range.’
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